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15/09/2010 by Siddiqui Fayesal

While I walked the thin line between my
dreams and reality, a little thing I left behind.
Fragments of my soul broke down and parted
from the cramp space of my vestiges.

I tried to catch them before they cheated me.
Like I’d kept them bound for years,
Like I’d forced them to be a part of me…
and like they’d never wanted to.

How was I to know that my Soul had a mind of its own.
A mind that chose its own master.
How was I to know that the long shadows
I walked under were not mine to take.

For who could tell that my relation with her
was just something that she would one day throw away.
I was always scared of being wrong when I was with her.
So scared that I worried that she’d walk away.

I played to her desires, to her fancy and
expected a pat on my back when she was done.
All she’d do was to look down at me and smile a smile
which said such truth but which I feared to read.

So I’d read them in fashions to my liking.
And because I liked the truth that I read I learnt them by rote.
I repeated them with glee every time
she smiled that smile for me.

For all those days when she saw me with dewy eyes
I promised her that I’d be whatever she chose for me.
She chose a man very unlike myself.
She chose a part of me that she hated herself.

Her smile was gone and so was the truth I’d wished was there.
In its place was an ugly lie. A lie which didn’t leave my truth a space.
A lie which told so harsh a truth that my eyes
couldn’t fashion another in its place.

The tragic death of us was due to the man I couldn’t be.
She hurled abuses and asked my why I’d changed
And why my eyes did not see.
But she forget that she chose what she wanted me to be.

Siddiqui Fayesal

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