Heart-Break

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15/09/2010 by Siddiqui Fayesal

While I walked the thin line between my
dreams and reality, a little thing I left behind.
Fragments of my soul broke down and parted
from the cramp space of my vestiges.

I tried to catch them before they cheated me.
Like I’d kept them bound for years,
Like I’d forced them to be a part of me…
and like they’d never wanted to.

How was I to know that my Soul had a mind of its own.
A mind that chose its own master.
How was I to know that the long shadows
I walked under were not mine to take.

For who could tell that my relation with her
was just something that she would one day throw away.
I was always scared of being wrong when I was with her.
So scared that I worried that she’d walk away.

I played to her desires, to her fancy and
expected a pat on my back when she was done.
All she’d do was to look down at me and smile a smile
which said such truth but which I feared to read.

So I’d read them in fashions to my liking.
And because I liked the truth that I read I learnt them by rote.
I repeated them with glee every time
she smiled that smile for me.

For all those days when she saw me with dewy eyes
I promised her that I’d be whatever she chose for me.
She chose a man very unlike myself.
She chose a part of me that she hated herself.

Her smile was gone and so was the truth I’d wished was there.
In its place was an ugly lie. A lie which didn’t leave my truth a space.
A lie which told so harsh a truth that my eyes
couldn’t fashion another in its place.

The tragic death of us was due to the man I couldn’t be.
She hurled abuses and asked my why I’d changed
And why my eyes did not see.
But she forget that she chose what she wanted me to be.

Siddiqui Fayesal
02.09.2010

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